December 10, 2023

Moving forward

Cast aside doubt...

Moving forward
Photo by National Cancer Institute / Unsplash
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Taking pleasure in what you have got

I had a wonderful study lecture today and someone suggested that I should post a small piece about my cancer, and how I coped with my situation.

So,it hit me when I had my first scan, I knew I had cancer, and I was absolutely terrified. However I knew that I had a Swiss army knife aboard and that was my faith and practice. Most wards are chaotic, but the cancer ward was almost serene, and very, very, clinical.

I tried to chant softly to myself, noting small details in the window outside. My view was limited, and I admired the red brickwork. I had to hang on to the outside world. I tried to remain calm chanting to myself resolutely inside my head. There were moments of fear, interspersed with moments of serenity, and dogged realization, that I had to gain some form of control.

Eventually, I began to understand, I realized that this internal “world” was not important, I had to change things, I was not powerless, I had to change my inner life state, and through that exert change in others, people trying to save me. To reveal their buddha nature. They were literally changing poison into medicine. And for now having stage four cancer that had gone into the lymph nodes, it is transformed, I am in remission, and it seems that for now the cancer is abated. I am so grateful for everyone's daimoku, thank you.

Looking at the outside world from a narrow window made me realise that even in the state I was in I absolutely had to remain grounded and resolute.

Take pleasure in the small, in the detail. And most importantly never give in...

And the picture, one day I will walk through a cornfield leaving my wheelchair to find someone else?